You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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