my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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