The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
