I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
