How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
