Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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