how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
