Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
