its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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