these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
