yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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