I must be too annoying 4 u.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
