my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize