First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
