i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
