I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
