I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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