Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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