Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
