Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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