I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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