My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
