I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
