I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
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