I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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