we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
