rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
