hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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