How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
