I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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