A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
