I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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