my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
