there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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