tonight lets celebrate not being married
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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