I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
