He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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