I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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