I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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