Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
