all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
