Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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