Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
