I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
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On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
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I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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