Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
