just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
