3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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