Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
