I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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