I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
