ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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