i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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