I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
