there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
