I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
